“The Komil blood feud lasted 12,000 years from it’s beginning at the Centek Pass.”
::Slide Change:: Are you going to Kee’ga’s party?!?
“Only when the last remnants of the Nomil rebels were purged from the outer planets did the feud subside and lasting peace reign in our system”
::Slide Change:: Nah, Kee’ga’s a total nom, I don’t want to be seen with them
“Our eternal vigilance against transgression has brought our species peace”
::Slide Change:: You’re the nom! You haven’t been to any parties this year!
“Is there something you would like to share with the class, Selk?”
“No teacher, sorry”
Codex - Hell 2 Miscellany: "Three Dozen Wars (and How They Ended)"
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Where do we go to hear more of these actual wars from Haladir? I’m hooked now, you can’t cut me off!
The three that I cited were ones I just happened to know about and thought were interesting: I majored in European history in college, and I happen to like stories like these.
I suppose you could Google “strange wars” and see what comes up. I would imagine that the The War of the Bucket, the War of the Pig, and The 335-Year War would all come up in such a search. I will leave those as an exercise for the reader.
The Cubist Missile Crisis was a secret war fought in the shadows of Europe between supernatural intelligence operatives working for the Great Powers after World War II. Red Warlocks of the Soviet Union discovered how to weaponize abstract art, and CIA and MI6 assets raced to shut down their clandestine art-and-artillery foundries. The Crisis came to a head in Vienna, where a shootout in a hidden studio left thirteen humans dead, one golem disintegrated, and a young woman permanently rendered abstracted and fragmented like a Picasso painting.
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In 2083, NASA detected seven asteroids of nearly identical mass approaching the inner solar system. All seven followed the same hyperbolic trajectory at a speed significantly faster than solar escape velocity: They were clearly of extra-solar origin. The asteroids were also equally spaced, at 13,419 km apart. Projections indicated that all would impact the Earth, any one of which would be an extinction-level event. Fortunately, the UN had passed the International Asteroid Defense Treaty nearly twenty years earlier, and a coalition of spacefaring nations was able to destroy or deflect all seven: None hit the Earth. Scientists could not come up with any natural phenomenon that would cause this event. Which raised the question: Was this an act of war? And if so… from whom?
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History Search: Algorithm Rivalry of 2052
Top Result: GoozlePlex Lycanos Search Engine War
In the early months of 2052, GoozlePlex LLC and Lycanos Corp began competing with each other for search engine supremacy on the World Net, utilizing their influence to begin shifting views onto more and more disparate content services. In a bold move by Lycanos, they entered a joint media distribution sharing agreement with Fennic Futures distribution, shutting GoozlePlex out of the multimedia market. In retaliation, GoozlePlex utilized their connections to the US Government to create and funnel financial transactions through their systems, thus causing any attempts to purchase media to be tarrifed unless it also was stored on GoozlePlex servers. This continuing escalation resulted in a rise of piracy and encryption systems, and lead to the current black hat culture taught in most magnet schools and other private institutions, as any capable youth needs to learn to navigate the BlackNet in order to receive both a paycheck for the continuing corporate espionage jobs each company sponsors on the other as “bug bounty” hunts, and devour the up-to-date pop culture necessary to keep up with their age bracket.
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The Felwith Sewer War began when the Lord-Mayor of Felwith Town became fed up with the “infestation” of goblins in the sewers, and declared a bounty of five gold sovereigns per goblin head delivered to Town Hall. The Thieves’ Guild saw an opportunity, and allied with the Mudeater Gang of sewer goblins, assisting them with their ongoing aggression against the larger Pigsticker Tribe. The Guild collected the heads of the fallen goblins on both sides, turning a tidy profit… until they discovered that the corrupt City Watch had made a similar arrangement with the Pigstickers. This caused months of underground skirmishes between the Thieves Guild and the City Watch—and their goblin proxies—until the goblins allied with each other and turned on their erstwhile human benefactors. After the goblins slew both the Captain of the Watch and the Guildmistress, the Lord-Mayor called off the bounty and sued for peace.
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The Second Franco-Prussian War (1881-89), or the “Dino War” as it is more popularly called, was fought between the French Republic and the German Empire. Following Professor Otto Lindenbrock’s discovery of the Lost World in 1866, German Chancellor Bismarck sent a successful delegation to the “Amazons” of Mizoria, the subterranean land that exists miles below the Alps. This new alliance gave Bismarck access to trained Mizorian dinosaur cavalry, and when fitted with modern weapons, became the infamous German “Dragon Dragoons”. The Mizorian alliance also provided Germany with vast supplies of “lifting gas” (helium), which allowed construction of a fleet of war zeppelins. With both land and air superiority, the German Empire conquered the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, and ultimately all of France. German expansion into Iberia was kept in check by the Spanish subterranean allies, the Giants of Avatabar, who held the Pyrenees.
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(Another Battle of the Hosts)
The Whiskey Wars waged for a mere 5 months, but to those involved it felt like decades. It started at the debut of Lady Weanne, which was so grand that the partying lasted 17 days, and consumed 17 casks of good rye. Not to be outdone, Lady Ifera’s mother threw a party lasting 18 days and consuming 18 casks of infused bourbon for her daughter’s debut the next summer. After that, the battle was on, with Weanne and Ifera each trying to outdo the other with elaborate celebrations, sometimes overlapping.
It came to a head one day, when Weanne issued an invitation for a grand brunch the morning after a stargazing party at Ifera’s. Their shared guests, too hungover to join them, mostly stayed home, and Ifera arrived alone, in a snit. She demanded to know why Weanne kept throwing these parties, and Weanne, still drunk on scotch from the night before, said something along the lines of “because of you”. The guests who showed up more than an hour later found the two of them cuddling on a divan, and the ridiculous invitations stopped immediately. Everyone was quite relieved, except for a handful of charlatans selling hangover cures.
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Thanks, everyone. This is now closed. @maenad How would you like me to credit you? You can reply here or send me a DM.
I’ve published as both Mags Maenad and Amalie McKee, so either way I suppose. I prefer the former.
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