Is anxiety limiting your participation in the hobby?

[Evlyn_M]

For Comet Crawl I have a pre written frame (the Soft Horizon system) but I need to rewrite it in my own words and to craft my own random tables. But yes it would be easier for me just to produce illustrations and to let someone else write about them.

I can handle small projects as I have published zines but working on a project big enough to be considered a book is different. I have accumulated so many failures that the thought of working on a big project is now scary as I anticipate the emotions that I associated with failing. But still I can overcome these emotions with some support. But long projects also imply that my motivation will eventually have to survive through a anxiety attack or a period of depression (often triggered by my low income transition).

When I am told “publish anything, it don’t matter, people will like it”. This discourage and demotivate me. Since my self esteem is very low I often feel like I need to over perform to make something good.

(about taking walks)
I used to like to take walks to lower my stress but now that I need to wear makeup to go outside it became complicated for me to do so. I need to put on my makeup face to look a bit like a woman or to hide my breasts to pass as a man. One option is not very practical while the other is uncomfortable and make me feel shame.

[Deckard]

I know this is easy to say and harder to do but why care what people think you look like if it helps you? Don’t get me wrong… I understand the problem. I deal with some psoriasis and anxiety and bouts of depression. Mine is likely a simpler case but I just refuse to allow any opinions from stopping me from going to swimming pools and going outdoors. It is hard to start but usually I feel better when I get past the door. Part of how I do this is to only pay attention to people I respect. No one else’s reactionz to me matter much at all. Part of a self defense mechanism I suppose but I find it works pretty well

[Evlyn_M]

This is more a question of my sense of self, like it is my identity that is at stake. I mean I had to do multiple coming out, I transitioned in my personal life and at work (without passing), so I am used to going on and moving forward while not caring about what people think of me. It’s simply not practical for me to spend two hours to femme up to take a walk and going out as a man hurt me more than anything. Due to my late transition I just don’t have the option to go out without makeup, the result is too masculine, it is not myself and this cause me too much dysphoria.

[Anders]

My issues are relatively minor in comparison to what many others struggle with, but yeah, there are some limitations.

My ftf gaming group has six people in it, two of whom run games regularly and three more (including me) who do so occasionally. All of us have some level of social anxiety, which means getting off that email about booking a new time to play when the last one didn’t work out? It often takes weeks before one of us breaks through enough to get it done. It’s ridiculous, but that’s how it goes. (At least we don’t have to call each other up on the phone the way we did 15 years ago… shudder)

I have similar issues with signing up for something here, compounded by anxiety connected to booking up events far in advance. I’ve had periods when I haven’t had nearly enough time to myself because of social commitments, and that’s made me very gun shy about filling up my calendar.

As for creative work, I’m terrible at finishing what I start. I don’t know if it’s fear of rejection or that I’m very deadline driven or something else, because at work I can crank stuff out and not care what anyone else thinks, but my own projects I do for fun at best get to a state of being nearly done before I start to slide off and move on to something else. I’m trying hard to make myself finish a couple of projects that are getting close, but when I try I just feel drained and I either move on to one of the new shinies or just waste time doing something else. But these are all things I’m doing for fun and not part of my regular income so it’s not that big a deal.

So yeah, relatively minor issues but they do limit me.

[Teylen]

I experience my anxiety and depression as indeed being limiting to my participation in the hobby.

I noticed that before a Larp event my social phobia kicks in. It may range from mild anxiety, a flight response that I am able to overcome up and panic attacks that I can handle (quivering, shaking) up to experience panic attacks along with nightmares month before the event takes place. Its the reason why I had to drop out of Convention of Thorns despite having tickets and really wanting to go. More usual I might confide to some friends, co-larpers or the organizers about being quite scarred and insecure.

In regards to tabletop rpg I tend to get quite unwell briefly before games, yet usually I force myself to get down. I do somewhat panic before running a game at a convention. Which mostly expresses itself by procrastinating preparation up to the last minute. As well as as “last minute buys” because I forgot tokens for my players or stuff.

The most frustrating part, next to skipping larp, is blogging and writing stuff.
Between days at work it happens a lot that I fall into a hole which sees me doing nothing. Sleeping, eating, maybe video gaming or watching YT vids but doing really nothing more. Which if I am on vacation without travel might lead as well as the roof crashing down onto me into a nervous break down.
Doing the crowdfunding collection on a schedule helps, though on some weekends I just can’t do them because I procrastinated to much. Which hits me hard when I notice that I “lost” a project because of it (ended to early).
Thus the last break was me really not feeling well, including Sunday.
Which doesn’t annoy me as much as the fact that I am neglecting my WODnews.blog as well as article series. For my WoD news I planned - and got topics - to produce one to five articles a day, which worked fine last year, but this year, not at all.
For my articles, I started several series, but haven’t concluded them because after one to four articles, anxiety puts up a severe road block. I know what I want to write, I actually written it on some occasion but I can’t open it, finish it and release it.
Same even more drastically happens for fan content that I planned. Got it outlined perfectly. Can’t get it started. Without having a lack of free time.

It intersects with other challenges of life, whether its staying focused at work or keeping the apartment in a shape I approve off (where I had a rude awakening without anyone else being involved, when I woke up and looked around and was “It’s terrible”).

I haven’t got a solution yet. I do constantly try to go against it.
I do got meds prescribed (Escitalopram) and I do try to get some therapy - which is like really difficult.
Positive reinforcement does help to feel better, and does occasionally spur me into activity, yet I did notice that I happened to use it as an excuse and part of my lack of activity.

[Deckard]

I see. That is quite the struggle. I hope you can find the energy to get the makeup on and go on more walks than you do now.

Meanwhile, a Comet Crawl sounds awesome!

[Evlyn_M]

Anxiety is anxiety, all issues are valid.

[Deckard]

For what it is worth, your crowd funding post is GREAT!

[JimLikesGames]

I often vacillate on whether social anxiety limits my participation in the hobby, or if my participation is predicated on anxiety. Like, I did sports all through adolescence into high school and hated just about every second of it, and got a degree in theater, and found much of the community and certainly most of the business associated with it frequently unbearable, but RPGs have given me most of what I like about both with so much less of the associated trauma.

I have often wondered if the overvaluation, especially in Indie gaming spaces, of creation over ‘mere’ play and facilitation drives folks to try and publish when a lot of them (including me) would be happier just participating. I’ve got the issue of having been a retailer for nearly three decades, so my anxiety and comfort is hugely context-dependent. Situations that feel like work allow me to go into ‘at work’ mode, so I can often get through stuff that might shut me down outside of that context.

My worst gaming-related panic attacks have come from two sources: large-cast LARPs, where you can’t breathe and relax when the spotlight isn’t on you and there’s no guarantee a mediator is present for everything; they’ve been universally destructive to me and I can’t imagine ever playing one again. The other is, maybe oddly, maybe not, in the space that surrounds the game as opposed to the game itself. Like, I’d rather not do feedback, if it’s all the same, and if we don’t do some kind of formal pre-game social introductions as part of setup, it’ll mess with my head all game. My worst Gauntlet game was with lovely people, but they all assumed we knew each other and the story and the game so they just jumped in and started playing, and it… wasn’t good. No one was being in any way deliberately obnoxious or exclusive, but man, online makes it MUCH harder to read the subtle social cues that can say ‘you are welcome and we’re glad you’re here’.

Anyway. You have value as a player. You have value as a facilitator. You don’t need to write a game to be ‘worthy’ of participating in the hobby. Your passion is sufficient.

[Christo]

Like, I’d rather not do feedback, if it’s all the same, and if we don’t do some kind of formal pre-game social introductions as part of setup, it’ll mess with my head all game.

I’ve tended to find feedback less than useful lately also. I think I’d prefer more of a debrief or a focused question from DM or player, “Hey, I tried X and I wasn’t sure how it came across. Thoughts?”

Regarding pregame intros: you mean the players introducing themselves to each other? That’s something that actually makes me very anxious because I’m horrible at intros. That said, if it makes others feel more comfortable to game, I’m all for it.

[_ry]

Perfectionism - if the players don’t love it, what’s the point? I’m just wasting everyone’s time -the fear of rejection time means if I can’t run something great I don’t play. Since I’ve had kids (a decade) it’s been hard to play at all, and it’s that standard that is holding me back more than anything.

[shane]

One part of the Gauntlet culture that I would love to see propagate is: you don’t need to be a great (or even good) GM to run games on the calendar, but you should want to grow as a GM. As long as it is clear to those involved that the GM isn’t just “phoning it in” Gauntlet players are going to do their utmost to make the game a success. In my experience the players want the GM to succeed and will support them to make it happen.

Now with that said I will tell you I struggle similarly to you. I put a lot of stress on myself in these situations and it leads me to not run that often. But I have over time also come to the personal realization that in general I have barely any external evidence for my concerns: no one has said I suck a GM, feedback I get makes sense, people continue signing up for my games, etc.

Finally I’ll say what my “solution” to this is (which you and others may or may not make use of): I “trap” myself into doing the thing. I throw something up on the calendar before I can overthink it, people sign up, and at that point it becomes a fait accompli. I am committed and I just have to do the thing. Then the embarrassment of cancelling overrides the fear of doing a bad job.

As I said though: I feel you big time on this and totally understand if it hampers your engagement with The Gauntlet. Absolutely zero judgements made about how anyone handles this very real struggle.

[Tuirgin]

I “trap” myself into doing the thing. I throw something up on the calendar before I can overthink it…

This is something that is beginning to work for me. Regular repetition begins to take the edge off, but any disruption to that regularity can put me right back at needing to outwit my anxiety again.