Feedback on this moving text please

#1

H! After a long pause I went and put down procedures for my Hunter x Hunter game and I believe there are experts in this community that can help me se them clearly without sweating it to much.

To frame the game intent some, I want to emulate Hunter x Hunter with a stress on Drama and Puzzle solving. The game wants to help players make Challenges both meaningful (drama) and challenging (puzzle solving). I walk in the tracks of @DBB David Brunell Brutman’s Hogwarts RPG, with much of the mechanical aspect of the system relying on transactions of Conditions. Characters be affected, be moved, make it count !

Here it is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W9Zie2_nsec7c68EFe2r7BaKqPYLA52OPNZcb-q01bM/edit?usp=share_link

1- If you have little time for it
I’m trying a form longer than one page and extruding the game as it comes to me. Please let me know how it suits or fights your personal way of reading: be it the tone, order of presentation, Too Much Information, etc. except for the layout because oviously.
I plan to present rules in this order : 1 Overall Presentation 2 Example of play, playbooks and a gameplay cheatsheet 3a Procedures for idle scenes, 3b Procedures for Challenges, from introduction to resolution 3b Pocedures for long term play, namely Quests and Advancement 4- Details on how to play in various styles 5- maybe a lexicon or FAQ if it’s needed.

2- If you have time to skim something coherent from the document, please comment on the procedures themselves, and suggest ways I can deepen them (depth=meaning/complexity) for drama and puzzle solving.

#2

From this post’s title I expected you asking for feedback on “moving text” as in some 90s graphic design :sweat_smile:

That said, as someone that saw the anime a looooooong time ago, I’ll look into your document and let you know if I have any useful feedback :wink:

#3

Thank you!
The text has changed a lot. Here’s what you need to know to focus your feedback:

  • It appears I need an example of play for each chapter.
  • I am working on character playbooks, them too will structure a lot how you read the rules that follow, like how Conditions can pave your Character narrative arc.
  • The challenge procedures right now are very flat. I want Challenges to “slot in” easily, wtithout loopholes or doubts (that would work against necessary mutual trust). The “fun” will be in the Challenges themselves.
#4

Thanks again for the feedback, on point.

#5

Oh I am in no way done with it. I just have a busy week and were not able to go past the first page >_<
If anything I’m sorry for being so slow :slight_smile:

#6

Ok, I read through it and offered some comments I hope you will find useful.
For the sake of brevity I didn’t put too much effort in being gentle and polite… if anything reads a bit too direct and harsh, please know that that was absolutely NOT the intention :heart:

1 Like
#7

Thank you very much for the exactitude of your feedback. Far from hurting my feelings it tells me precisely where I need to “harden” guidance, to say things in another, complementary way, to rewrite until the rules answer on their own your interrogations. You know your help is precious thank you!

#8

Once again, your feedback is gold! Thanks.

#9

I made progress.

Now I need to write how to make good encounters, adventures and a short campaign. I think I’ll be through this summer.

#10

I am beginning to use this thread as a development log.

I realized I want to make a game with a modular resolution method. From the beginning I wanted to make Challenges that would be easy to “slot in”, rather than a bunch of sub-systems and modules. So I’ve decided to publish this game as a dorsal spine, and in parallel a few mini-games and techniques that can stand on their own.

This is the first technique I’ve edited enough to show: Happy Winter!